As I mentioned in my first post, my wife and I have started a D/s relationship with respect to sex. Although she professes a desire to submit and surrender, she constantly pushes back on my orders.
As an example, we are going out to dinner with friends this weekend and I explained I wanted her submission to me throughout the evening. Although she happily agreed to such an arrangement, everything I mention gets a very cold reception. I want to select her clothes, even explaining I want to take her shopping for a new outfit. She then finds a logistical reasons we can’t go shopping; I resolve the logistical issues and now she is stating the type of clothes “she” wants to wear…clothes which are in direct conflict with what I had previously identified would be her attire (heels, thigh highs, dress). When I explain that her choices are in direct conflict with what i had in mind, she pushes back with excuses why my desires aren’t good choices (people don’t wear nylons to dinner, it’s too cold for a dress, etc. )
Another example is that I desire to spank her, she will bend over knee as ordered, but it usually is preceded by puppy dog eyes and a pouty face, and a general hesitation and reluctancy to follow an order.
I don’t know if I should force my will upon her, thus possibly causing her to pull away, or do I drop my orders, thus showing a weakness and thus giving her the impression that my wants and desires aren’t absolute, and are instead points of negotiation.
I am confused as to how to resolve these type of conflicts moving forward. I think my issue may be that i am moving faster than she is ready for, thus I am constantly setting us up for conflict. By taking smaller steps, I can feel more confident in requiring her submission without fear she will pull back.
As you can see, I am a new D trying to find the correct path to lead my s.
Knotabadguy
If you have started a D/s relationship “with respect to sex,” there is no reason for you to be dominant with your wife outside the bedroom.
If you have agreed with one another to take it further than that and include D/s dynamics in every aspect of your life, then she’s in violation of that and you need to correct it.
Before you do that, though, I’d suggest sitting down and talking with her about what *she* desires out of the D/s relationship. Define your relationship together. Heck, even decide on the rules together.
There is a power exchange at play, but it is consensual. If your wife is not submitting to you, talk to her. Find out why she’s having trouble. Communication is the key in any relationship and even more so in a D/s one.
She might not want to participate in D/s except during sex. If that’s the case, then you have the responsibility as her Dominant and her husband to respect that choice. Failing to do so will not only paint you in a bad light, but may cause her to stop trusting you altogether.
So sit down and talk. Decide together how your relationship will work. And everything in a D/s relationship is a point of negotiation. In fact, most D/s relationships don’t begin until a formal negotiation has taken place where both parties involved outline the way the D/s aspects will occur.
D/s is a heavy responsibility, especially as a dominant. Submissives rely on you not to go too far. But they can’t give you that trust if you don’t show them the respect they deserve by listening to their concerns and respecting their limits. If a sub doesn’t want to do D/s outside the bedroom and you are involved with them, don’t try to push it outside the bedroom.
It’s a truism that in any D/s relationship, the real power lies with the submissive. After all, they are the one giving up their control to you. Out of their own free will. If you try to dominate them without their consent, you are likely to lose their trust, their respect, and even their love.
Now, if you’ve discussed all this with her and she agrees that she wants to submit outside the bedroom as well as in it, my advice is this: correct her immediately. Don’t let her argue with you. If you say “We’re going shopping for the outfit you’re wearing tomorrow,” and she finds an excuse, don’t stand for it. Don’t threaten. Correct her immediately. I don’t know how you are choosing to do this. For some D/s couples it is corporal punishment. For others it is a stern lecture. But don’t let her stand there and argue with you. Don’t try to reason your way out of her trying to reason her way out.
If she says something like “People don’t wear nylons to dinner,” in direct opposition to your orders, stand firm in your decision. Perhaps: “You’ll wear what I tell you or you’ll stay at home.” And don’t contradict yourself; if you say something, mean it. If she continues to argue, leave her at home. The most effective corrections are the ones that are instant. If she thinks she can argue with you and win arguments, then she will. Submissives are like that: they will push at the boundaries until they find where the lines are they can’t cross.
Sorry about the length of this; you seemed concerned. I hope my comments have helped somewhat. xD
Thank for the comment, an outside perspective is exactly why I wanted to start blogging.
You have certainly given me a few things to think about. I do believe greater communication is key to making sure each party is on the same page, without aligned expectations, only disappoint will follow.
I agree with the above poster- you two need to talk about if you will be “bedroom only” or have the D/s carry out through more of your lives. Communication is the most important part of making things work! I’m not sure how new to things you are, so I apologize if I tell you things you already know, but what I have found to work (particularly with a resistant submissive) is to be firm in what you want, but to not expect too much at once- let it build, so the submission is coming from her internally. Otherwise, things fall apart pretty quickly. I would advise to focus on the sexual aspect and communication for now. Do you have her keep a journal? If not, you should- I resisted keeping one at first, but have found that it has really helped things between my Owner and me. He always has access to what is in my mind- doubts, insecurities, frustrations, as well as positive feedback when things are working well. Perhaps your wife doesn’t mean to be resistant and her actions are motivated by insecurities she doesn’t know how to articulate to you. Having to do some introspection each day will help bring that to light so the two of you are better able to work through things. Another good step would be to give her a recitation (like a mantra) to say at appropriate times to get her in the right mindset (examples: waking up, before bed, when putting on collar, during particular moments of sex or play). Just remember, it’s okay to take a step back from making a big deal about micromanaging external signs of submission. Focusing on internal submission will make her not only more comfortable and trusting with trying the things that you want, but will make her more likely to show the initiative to do these things without being ordered. (And not to self advertise, but come check out my blog- it might help you, as I will be focusing on making these kind of relationships work and you might pick up some helpful ideas
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Thank you for comment. I like the idea of a dairy. She clearly enjoys being controlled, she understands she needs me to help her achieve her sexual maximum (a place she wants to go), and she is eager to submit. I am so happy we can discuss these things, but I do like the idea of a diary so she can personally reflect on what is occurring and how she is perceiving it. Thank you.